Sunday, December 13, 2009

Pax's Dos and Dont's For The Holiday Season (newly updated for 2009)

 * This was originally posted on my blog in 2007: I still stand by every word of it:

To avoid bodily harm, and to make this holiday time a generally less stressful one, please observe the following rules should we interact during the Yuletide season.

1 Do not, under any circumstances, come up to me and say, "Oh I just got your Christmas present, and you are going to love it!": I can't stand when people do this. I think it is a rather passive / aggressive action in which the person making this proclamation is really saying, "I got you something, you'd better get me something!" Fuck that!

2 Please refrain from decorating your house and playing Xmas music until at least the second week in December: I love holiday lights, the brighter, the more gaudy - the better. I even like some Xmas music; but what is it with people who put the tree up the day after Halloween? (note: blog decorating is permissible starting December 2nd).

3 Do not ask me, "Got all your holiday shopping done?": I will twist your head off at the neck if you do this.

4 Please don't say to me, "I don't want you to get me anything for Xmas this year." : Bitch, what makes you think I was even planning on spending any of my hard earned money on you?

5 Please don't tell me how hard it is to stick to your diet during the holidays. : It still does not explain why you eat like a pig the other three hundred and sixty some days of the year.

6 Do not cry the blues about how poor you are and then turn around and tell me about the vacation you are planing during the holidays. : I will pray that your plane crashes.

7 By all means, feel free to have me sample your holiday baked goods. I have no pride when it comes to that request.

8 Just because there is a holiday luncheon at work, don't expect me to come to it:
Frankly, I can't stand these "forced" cheer events. It's not that I don't like my co-workers, I am just antisocial (of course if the event is being held at a four star restaurant, or if it gets me out of the office for the day, I might reconsider).

9 Holiday Parties are another thing all together: I love going to them.

10 Christmas Cards, the bane of my existence. I don't send them: Why do we waste all of that time and money sending holiday greetings? If I see you every day, trust me, you don't have to hand me a card wishing me a joyous December 25th. Really, you don't.

11 Do Not Tell me, "Jesus is the Reason for the Season":  Just a reminder for all my Xtian friends...this winter holiday you call Christmas is actually an ancient pagan holy day celebrating the rebirth of the sun. 


missmagnoliathunderpussy said...

God Bless you Pax and Tiny Whatshisname too!

I'm going to print this out and give a copy to every moron who wishes me a Happy Holliday.

Pity they didn't have Nuva rings, condoms and the Pill back in the day when that Shephard took his pick-up to the barn.

et said...

Pax, numbers 5 and 6 make my nose twitch!

Miss Magnolia, I had to look up Nuva rings...what a messy contraption to use for birth control. The thought alone, of it getting lost in my cave, is too much for me to even consider using such a thing. This, of course, is if I were of the age to need this type of protection. The only protection I need, at the present time, is protection against over-charges from my bank!

Jay Amabile said...

I personally love that you mentioned #6. It angers me beyond belief. Actually, there's several people I know who cry poor but have tons of money and make huge salaries, forget about the vacations! They complain they have to go easy with Christmas gifts this year but then they are off to their next exotic vacation in a few weeks. !!!!????