Monday, December 04, 2006

Turn Your Head and Cough Please...

"Pull your pants and your underwear down," he said as he sat on a chair, eye level with my Tropic of Capricorn, "All the way down, that's right. I need to see all of your plumbing."

Normally when made this offer, I'd jump at the chance.

This time, however, it was for my doctor.

I'd noticed something strange in my lower abdomen after a day of moving furniture a few weeks ago. It felt like something had shifted. There was no pain, but there was an obvious protrusion where there had been none prior.

After imagining all kinds of horrors, a little online research revealed that I probably had a hernia. OK, I can deal with that.

Still I put off a visit to the doctor because in my mind's horror film he'd say, "A hernia? Hardly, my boy, that's a tumor! We have to operate pronto!"

Finally, after weeks of putting it off, I went and saw Dr. Bighands, my physician for almost twenty years now.

When he saw my abdomen he said, "Yeah, that's a hernia, I can tell by looking at it. Your asymmetrical."

I almost replied, "Asymmetrical, no! I am homosexual". But I thought better of it.

Then he told me to turn my head, grabbed my balls and asked me to cough.

Diagnoses was complete.

Dr. Bighands has warm hands, I am happy to report.

Clothed again, he told me that I would have to have surgery to repair the hernia, but he assured me that it was an easy procedure and might even be done via lathoscopic (sp?) surgery.

The procedure will be sometime in January, until then no heavy lifting. He also suggested I get a jockstrap (for support). For some reason, I found that kind of funny.

Just as I was about to escape, a woman's voice called out, "Mr. Romano, just a second, Dr. nurse1Bighands want's me to take your pressure and draw some blood, come on, it will only take a second!"

I hate going to the doctor's office!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey, I had hernia surgery about a year and a half ago. It was done laproscopically.

I suggest that you convince the doctor to do the sugery using an spinal anesthetic instead of general anesthesia. This is what women have when they are having a Cesarean section.

You will be put to sleep but they numb you from the diaphragm muscle down using an intravenous pic put into your spine - it doesn't hurt even though it might sound bad.

The advantage is that you don't have the anesthesia hangover like you do with general anesthesia. I was wide awake one hour after going in for my surgery.

E-mail me if you have questions.