Saturday, October 14, 2006

How To Survive a Night at Camp Crystal Lake

Yesterday, being the 13th as well as a Friday, several television stations were running Friday the 13th films. The Bravo Network ran the original; a film that was a blatant rip-off of the far superior Halloween, but a fun slasher flick nonetheless.

As I surfed through the various incarnations of Jason Voorhees and his socially unacceptable behavior, it became apparent that should anyone find themselves working at a secluded camp site with a crazed psychopath on grounds, the following rules should be followed at all times.

1: Never, ever, have sex with anyone while at camp. Clearly Jason (as well as his mother who was dispatching teens in the first film) have issues with those who engage in carnal pleasures. Stray away from doing the horizontal boogie, and chances are you'll make it to the morning.

2: No drinking and no drugging. Most of the dimwits who get slashed in these movies are drunk and/or stoned. Stay straight with a clear head and you will probably will not end up decapitated.

3: Ladies, keep your clothes on at all times. Even something as innocuous as taking a shower might make you bate for Jason. Try sponge baths. If you must bathe or shower, keep the bathroom door locked and keep firearms nearby just in case.

4: Pay attention to the crazy old man who will inevitably show up on your first day at camp. When he says, "You're all doomed!" trust him. Pack up the car and go find a job elsewhere.

5: If you find some-one's head in the refrigerator, chances are, you are next. Get out of the kitchen quick and find a safe can scream later.

6: That nice lady in the cable knit sweater is not going to help you. Bang her in the head with a blunt instrument and get as far away from her as possible.

7: If you are confronted by Jason, and have had a least one semester of Child Psychology classes, and are wearing a cable knit sweater; you might be able to talk him down from killing you.

8: Stay with the kids you were hired to care for at camp. They never get hurt.

9: The police will be of no help.

10: Finally, if you do survive. Move away to another state, change your name, and under no circumstances return to that camp site.

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