Sunday, October 15, 2006

How To Survive a Night at The Bates Motel

Let's say you've been driving for a long time on an old highway, and you find yourself falling asleep at the wheel. Up in the distance you see a sign flickering, a motel! A motel, with a vacancy!

Like any safety minded traveler, you might be tempted to pull in and find a bed for the night. Should you find yourself in a similar situation, the following rules should be followed at all times.

1: If you've recently absconded with a large sum of money that your employer thinks you are depositing in the local bank on his behalf, turn around and go to the bank and deposit the money...that married man you are having an affair with ain't worth it, sister!

2
: Never, under any circumstances, trade your car in for a new one!


3: No matter what; let your sister know what you are doing and where you are going!


4: As sweet and as charming, in an awkward way, the motel manager is, DO NOT agree to have grilled cheese sandwiches with him!

5: Check your room for peep-holes, especially near the bathroom wall.

6: NO SHOWERS. AMEN, END OF WARNING!

7: Keep the bathroom door locked and bolted at all times!

8: That nice old lady in the periwinkle blue dress is not going to be able to help you!

9: Trust no one else donning a periwinkle blue dress.

10: As much as you've promsied to patronize independent businesses, bypass the Bates Motel and spend the night at a Motel 6.

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