Monday, October 16, 2006

How to Survive Halloween Night in Haddonfield, Illinois

Babysitting can be a lucrative way to make some extra money. Most teen girls have engaged in it and have pocketed some nice walking around cash for their troubles...

However, as history has taught us, there are certain dates and places, one should never agree to "watch the kids" while the adults are out.

Submitted is a survival guide for anyone who agrees to babysit on Halloween night in the bucolic suburb that is Haddonfield Illinois.

1: If your little brother is prone to clown costumes and playing with butcher knives, lock him up for the night -- especially if you plan on having sex with your boyfriend. Trust me on this one.

2: Under no circumstances agree to "drop off the keys" at the "Old Myers Place". Tell your father to do it himself. Besides, he's the real-estate agent, not you!

3: The second that odd-ball doctor from the mental health hospital shows up in town with dire warnings of impending doom: PAY ATTENTION TO HIM!

5: If you must babysit on Halloween, make sure that you are still a virgin (as well as an A-list student), or at the very least, avoid having sex while your supposed to be watching the children...
6: When walking home from school with your girlfriends avoid yelling out to cars that are marked, "State of Illinois". That cute guy from history class, does not drive a state owned vehicle!

7A: Ladies, keep your breasts covered!
7B: Honey, that guy in the sheet is NOT your boyfriend!

8: As always, the police will be of no help.

9: Knitting needles and sharp knives can be a baby-sitter's best friend. Become proficient in the use of both!

10: Yes, as a matter of fact, It was the Boogie Man. He's not dead, he never willkiss die. If you've survived the night, it's probably because he's your brother (go check those sealed records). Move to Europe, change your name, and prepare for a lifetime of therapy.

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