Friday, December 23, 2005

Your King is Feeling Benevolent Today

During this festive season, I have crowned myself, King of Fucking Everything and as such, I am handing out the following gifts to my loyal subjects…

To the saucy and talented, Justrose, I hereby bequeath you a multimillion dollar publishing deal and the deed to Termini Brothers Bakery; enjoy, Lola, enjoy!

To my favorite, bitch, Tony the Tiger, I grant perfect health, a long term affair with Duncan Sheik, and a car that runs.

To Miss Magnolia Thunderpussy, I secured a deal with CNN for you to host a daily talk show, a penthouse in Rittenhouse Square and a listing of terminally ill, wealthy older gentlemen just ripe for the picking!

To Joe, I hand over another multimillion dollar publishing deal, Rosario Dawson’s unlisted phone number and one of those big cars, what are they called, Hummingbirds?

To the lovely and talented, Virginia Gal, a handsome husband who lives in London, a job as theater critic for the New York Times and the privilege of NEVER seeing another production of The Nutcracker, EVER!

To Snickers; well this is a tough one, but I guess a cast iron stomach for starts, all the evil dolls you might ever desire and a job modeling men’s underwear in Short and Sexy magazine! Oh and yeah, Stevie Nicks would like you to become her new agent.

To The Divine Miss Jimmi, a life’s supply of Mac cosmetics, a hit Broadway show for you and the Dumpsta’ Players and good health for Mr. Man.

To Frank at iFlipFlop, I hereby grant you a spot at Macy’s to sell your line of “iFlipFlop Wear”, a free pass on Amtrak to NYC for a year and a great dentist.

To Uncle Horn Head, You are now the Grand Exalted Leader and Pope of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Such power you have, please use it for good!

To The very cool, Rainbow Demon, I grant good vibes, peace on earth, the sudden end of The Bush Presidency, and a cache of undiscovered Grateful Dead bootleg tapes!

To the kind and lovely, Merci, I give you, a daycare center for dogs that you will own and operate a summer home in Marlton NJ, and life-size replica of the old Moorestown Mall Wanamaker eagle and fountain!

To my darling, Zelda I hand over unlimited credit at every shoe store on the east coast, a long term affair with Javier, and a quiet cottage with a huge garden somewhere in Tuscany.

To the latest member of this dysfunctional family, Joey B, I offer unlimited Thundercat victories, a date with Drea de Matteo, and the peace of mind in knowing that NOBODY is going to heaven!

Wow, granting all these wildest dreams has worn me out … ok, who’d I forget?

No comments: