Saturday, March 19, 2005

South Jersey Wildlife Safari

jungleSpring crept it in a day ahead of schedule here in South Jersey. The signs of it were everywhere.

Let’s take a look at some of the wildlife I saw today:

Over there, a pack of Soccer Moms (Suburbanus Obnoxiousnus) watch as they emerge from there well kept McMansions and pile into there SUV’s. Marvel over there Martha Stewart-like countenance, their pastel blue chambray work shirts jauntily tucked into a pair of pressed khakis. Behold, as if with one mind, they exit their nests and migrate north towards The Moorestown Mall! Look out fellow commuters, their credit cards are aching for some action and their cell phones are-a-ringing. It’s all a well timed adventure for the Soccer Mom, time is of the essence, after shopping it’s off to little Justin’s T-Ball practice and then a quick lunch with Muffy at the Olive Garden…

Continuing our safari; stay down and look ahead of you, there they are, The Jersey Lawn Jockeys (Jerseyus Chlorophyllius Keeper) . All winter long they’ve hibernated just counting the days until they can begin their seemingly endless quest of securing and nurturing the perfect turf. The Jersey Lawn Jockey usually wears a similar uniform that might include a baseball hat, well worn blue-jeans and t-shirts. Strangely enough, The South Jersey Lawn Jockey only leaves his cave in the early spring so that he may stock up on his potions and powders that will bring his patch of green great prominence. Watch for him in early summer to stand dead center of his lawn beating his chest as he celebrates his labors.

You’ll hear this next creature before you ever see it, yes, that’s right it’s the Suburban Teen Girl (Big Mouthus Clueless Suburbanus). While these creatures prowl in packs all year long, once the temperature gets above 40 degrees the swarm, en masse, and appear in public wearing as little clothing as possible. Amazingly, the Suburban Teen Girl will appear to be talking relentlessly while she looks about constantly at her surroundings, seemingly terrified that she might miss something, anything that is occurring. Scientists are still unsure exactly how these creatures communicate with each other, since they never seem to listen to anything or anyone. Some experts believe they might converse through some sort of telepathy.

Tomorrow, tracking the Winged Beach Vultures as they venture south and check out their summer nests in Ventnor!

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