Tuesday, August 10, 2004

I Would Never Belong to A Church That Would Have Me As A Member

The Church of Groucho:

The First Church of Groucho was founded on August 10, 2004 to pay honor and tribute to the only True God, Julius "GROUCHO" Marx.

The faithful are invited to worship with us every Sunday Morning at 10am.

The Service:

Ø The weekly Service begins promptly at 10 am, the faithful are called to worship by an alter boy or girl dressed as Saint Harpo. Saint Harpo honks his horn three times and then whistles which serves as the signal that mass has begun.

Ø Congregants enter the church and put on “The Sacred Mask” which consists of a pair of black eyeglasses and a moustache and are then expected to sit anywhere in the chapel except in the pews.

Ø Once comfortably arranged the congregants offer Praise to the Goddess, Margaret Dumont as her likeness is revealed at the altar. Upon seeing the full portrait of Margaret, congregants chant: “Why you’re the most beautiful woman I ever saw, which isn’t saying much for you!

Ø After the Praise to the Goddess is done, an offering to Chico is made in which the faithful turn to each other, kiss someone next to them and then proclaim out loud: “I wasn't kissing you, I was whispering in your mouth.

Ø When this is through, the congregants will turn to the alter boy or girl dressed as Harpo and whistle loudly and then take seltzer water bottles and spray each other down.

Ø When the bottles are empty all attention goes back to the altar where the priest will enter in full Groucho regalia, the congregation rises and sings the hymn, “Horary for Captain Spaulding”.

Ø The sermon then begins but ends as soon as “The Secret Word” is said and the stuffed duck falls from the ceiling (the secret word is picked one week in advance by one congregant alphabetically). If the secret word is not said in ten minutes time, anyone in the congregation can stand up and say: “I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.” Thus bringing the sermon to an end. As soon as the sermon ends, all congregants are expected to turn to the person next to them and embrace that person and say out loud, “If I held you any closer, I’d be behind you!”

Ø Once the embrace is through, everyone rises again and sings, “Hail Fredonia” until the priest changes into his night shirt and cap.

Ø The priest, now dressed for bed, faces the crowd and say’s” Time Flies like an arrow. Fruit Flies like a banana.” The crowd returns the favor by singing, “Hello I Must Be Going” and then forms a conga line out the church to the parking lot.

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