Friday, August 27, 2004

HETEROSEXUAL PANIC!!!!!

This was bound to happen!

As I have confessed on this very blog, I have had my head turned once or twice by a woman. Recently I have found myself enamored with Lauren Ambrose of Six Feet Under. Whatshisname usually just laughs my opposite sex obsessions off, he knows that when all is said and done, I am gay (some day I will post about my P.G.D. ---pre gay days--- and my several real life carnal relationships with women, but that’s another story for another day).

In this relationship, I assumed that I was the only one who occasionally found a woman sexy. That’s the way it’s been.

Until tonight…

…Whatshisname and I were watching television and Angelina Jolie showed up on one of those entertainment programs and my beloved spoke these words that made my blood freeze, “I think I have a crush on Angelina Jolie”.

I was shocked, nay appalled, when I heard this, and knowing that the only way I could counter-act these evil thoughts from my darling was to start an intense deprogramming session post haste.

I switched on the VCR and threw in a Jeff Stryker tape, muted the sound and shoved “Judy at Carnegie Hall” in to the CD player. I waited a second and saw that Whatshisname's eye’s were glazing over, I knew I had to continue so I crouched down next to him and began shouting in his ear, a barrage of questions that might break the hetero mind lock he was suffering from,
“Quick, honey, who was your favorite Golden Girl? What is Carrie Bradshaw’s shoe size? What was the REAL reason the lights went out in Georgia? What is Madonna’s real age? “

Slowly, I saw the light of realization dawn in his eyes; he looked at me and said, “What happened? Where am I?”

“What do you remember,” I asked blotting the sweat from his fevered brow.

“I don’t know, one minute I was watching E! News and the next thing I knew, I felt like I was about to be devoured by this raven haired vixen with huge tits and lips the size of Texas!” He paused for second and sighed, “Angelina Jolie”, he said, his voice filled with knowing terror, “Oh god, what has she done to me?”

I put my arms around him and held him and whispered, “its ok, baby, daddy’s here, don’t worry about the big scary sexy lady, I’ll protect you”.

But somewhere, deep down, I was scared too --- the wind is howling outside the window now, and I hear scratching at the door, like something that is trying to get in to our house…

Angelina, is that you?





1 comment:

snicks said...

i had my own flirtation with the "other side" recently, involving a certain oscar winner in a ...catsuit, until i realized it was actually the costume itself that was turning me on. I WANT ONE!
tell whatsisname to take two antonio banderas and call me in the morning.