Friday, November 07, 2008
Dear Religious Right
Hi, how are you?
I know you guys are licking your wounds over the election of Barack Obama. It must really sting to know that the Muslim/Anti Christ is about to take over America and probably have the lot of you shipped off to concentration camps in Outer Mongolia.
On the other hand, you must all be thrilled and delighted that you managed to get Proposition 8 passed in California.
All in all, a pretty interesting time for you folks.
I understand that many of you worked together to get Prop 8 passed. Mormons and Catholics joined up with Evangelicals, and put all of your collective energy into doing God's work.
It is so cool to see Polygamists, and Child Molesters join hands with crazed Fundamentalists. I mean, how wonderful that you all could just drop your petty differences for a while and work towards a common goal. I mean thanks to your hard work, Mormon men can continue to have ten wives, while lesbians are not allowed one. And, Catholic Priests can continue to fuck children with no retaliation, but two gay men can not enter into a monogamous union of love.
If that does not make God happy, well, I don't know what will!
But you do know that the battle has just begun. Right? You are aware of that?
What about the rest of the abominations that your holy book talks of?
I truly hope you guys are busy with Proposition 8.1: Making the sale or consumption of shell fish illegal. Because you know what the good book says about eating shrimp or lobster:"But all in the seas or in the rivers that do not have fins and scales, all that move in the water or any living thing which is in the water, they are an abomination to you." (Leviticus 11:10) and: "They (shellfish) shall be an abomination to you; you shall not eat their flesh, but you shall regard their carcasses as an abomination." (Leviticus 11:11)
That's right, no more Sunday dinners at Red Lobster, unless you are a godless heathen!
After this, don't forget Proposition 8.2: The Reinstatement of Slavery:"Your male and female slaves are to come from the nations around you; from them you may buy slaves. You may also buy some of the temporary residents living among you and members of their clans born in your country, and they will become your property." (Leviticus 25:44-45)
Finally, those pesky Mexicans (and maybe some Canadians) can become your property and you won't have to pay them to care for your lawns.
And then you can get busy with Proposition 8.3: Killing disrespectful children: "For everyone who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. He has cursed his father or his mother. His blood shall be upon him." (Leviticus 20:9)
This one might be kind of tough, but you guys are just doing God's work ... keep that in mind!
And last, but certainly not least, Proposition 8.4: Keeping women from talking in church:"Let the women keep silent in the churches; for they are not permitted to speak, but let them subject themselves, just as the Law also says. And if they desire to learn anything, let them ask their own husbands at home; for it is improper for a woman to speak in church." ( 1 Cor. 14:34-35)
Ouch, sorry Jan Crouch, now just shut up and let your husband do all the talking.
So I guess you all will be busy for the next few months getting all of these laws passed. Good luck.
Or, you can all just go somewhere and wait for Jebus to come and take you home to glory. Yeah, I vote for that option. I don't want to influence you, but since this sinful world is so distasteful that you feel the need to pass laws; well maybe you don't belong here after all ... yeah, take the collective gas pipe instead, and leave the world to us sinners.
That's the ticket.