Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Tom Cruise Interview for the Homosexual Impaired

Here is a brief interview with Tom Cruise all about his new BFF, Will Smith. I ran the interview through a high tech piece of equipment I own called, The Homosexual Decoder and what follows is the transcript (translations are in bold and italic): Link to actual article is at bottom of page.


Entertainment Tonight spoke exclusively to Tom Cruise today at Grauman's Chinese Theater in Hollywood where his friend Will Smith's hand and foot prints were immortalized in cement. Cruise was in attendance to show support for Smith and spoke to ET about their relationship.

"I feel honored to know him and his family. When I get around him I feel inspired(I am so lucky to know him, screw his family. When I get around him I get horny)We push each other and we need that (we have sex with each other, we need that)We share that same level of reality and commitment that we have to our craft and to our family.(We are both two big old closet queens and we have to pretend otherwise, but we get paid a lot of money to be fake, and that takes commitment)Its fun. Wherever Will Smith is, that's where the party is!(Its fun. Wherever Will Smith is, there I am, usually on the bottom). Cruise tells ET he is even a fan of Smith's music, "He is an extraordinary artist. When I was doing Born on the 4th of July, his music got me through that picture." (I've never heard any of his music. I saw him naked at the gym one day, and that was that!).

On if Smith could beat his wife Katie Holmes in a marathon, Cruise laughs, "Kate is fast! I said to Will, 'she ran a marathon, we've got to see if we can't run a marathon. (Kate is as dumb as a bag of rocks, she has no idea that I am blowing Will every chance I get. Not that she would care, she's being paid very handsomely by the Church of Scientology). The day after she ran the marathon I was at the hotel and got in the elevator drenched in sweat and I smelled... I said, 'Listen, when your wife runs a marathon, you've got to get on the treadmill the next day!'" (The day after she ran that marathon, I was getting banged by Smith and, when I got back to the hotel and got into the elevator drenched in sweat and I smelled ... I called Will up on my cell phone and said, damn man, I am so sore, I am not going to be able to walk for a week!).


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