Sunday, December 02, 2007

Pax's Dos and Dont's For The Holiday Season

To avoid bodily harm, and to make this holiday time a generally less stressful one, please observe the following rules should we interact during the Yuletide season.

1 Do not, under any circumstances, come up to me and say, "Oh I just got your Christmas present, and you are going to love it!": I can't stand when people do this. I think it is a rather passive / aggressive action in which the person making this proclamation is really saying, "I got you something, you'd better get me something!" Fuck that!

2 Please refrain from decorating your house and playing Xmas music until at least the second week in December: I love holiday lights, the brighter, the more gaudy - the better. I even like some Xmas music; but what is it with people who put the tree up the day after Halloween? (note: blog decorating is permissible starting December 2nd).

3 Do not ask me, "Got all your holiday shopping done?": I will twist your head off at the neck if you do this.

4 Please don't say to me, "I don't want you to get me anything for Xmas this year." : Bitch, what makes you think I was even planning on spending any of my hard earned money on you?

5 Please don't tell me how hard it is to stick to your diet during the holidays. : It still does not explain why you eat like a pig the other three hundred and sixty some days of the year.

6 Do not cry the blues about how poor you are and then turn around and tell me about the vacation you are planing during the holidays. : I will pray that your plane crashes.

7 By all means, feel free to have me sample your holiday baked goods. I have no pride when it comes to that request.

8 Just because there is a holiday luncheon at work, don't expect me to come to it:
Frankly, I can't stand these "forced" cheer events. It's not that I don't like my co-workers, I am just antisocial (of course if the event is being held at a four star restaurant, or if it gets me out of the office for the day, I might reconsider).

9 Holiday Parties are another thing all together: I love going to them.

10 Christmas Cards, the bane of my existence. I don't send them: Why do we waste all of that time and money sending holiday greetings? If I see you every day, trust me, you don't have to hand me a card wishing me a joyous December 25th. Really, you don't.

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