Friday, December 28, 2007

The Paxie Awards for 2007 (part 1)

You've been waiting on the them all year, and here they are - The Paxie Awards for the best, the worst and everything else in the year of 2007: (round 1)

  • Award for the Biggest Waste of Human Lives: The Continuing War in Iraq. While most American's were worrying about what color to paint their bathrooms, or whether or not to have Botox, hundreds of American soldiers were killed this year in the on-going conflict, and thousands of innocent civilians were lost also - but as long as our handbags matched our shoes, who really gave a fuck?

  • Award for the Most Overexposed Waste of Celebrity Flesh: Britney Spears. While the world was going to hell in a hand-basket, the dumbing down of America continued as the populace was spoon-fed the public meltdown of the former pop star; and we lapped it up like pigs at the trough.

  • Award for the Most Lethal Object Protected by A Special Interest Group: The Gun. Between the Virginia Tech shootings, the record high number of gun-related homicides in Philadelphia and the various daily news reports of shootings nationwide, the beloved handgun remains America's most treasured object of mass destruction. As American as apple pie. God bless the NRA!

  • Award for the Most Pathetic Cover-Up by a Politician Caught With His Pants Down: Senator Larry Craig. Caught trying to solicit an undercover officer for sex in a public rest-room, Larry boy amused us all and made such phrases as, "A wide stance", the new excuse du juor! The homophobic rule maker then went on TV and proclaimed his innocence and heterosexuality while his long suffering wife sat at his side and did everything she could to avoid breaking down on the air.

  • Award for the Continuing Fleecing of the Faithful: Celebrated Television Evangelists. From Jan and Paul Crouch to Paula White and John Hagee; these over-dressed, over fed, over exposed preachers continue to do their best to take money from those who least can afford it to feed their opulent lifestyles.

  • Award for the Most Pathetic Sheep In The World: The American Public. No matter what it was; from standing online to lay out 300.00 for an iPhone, to making long distance calls to vote for their favorite American Idol, we made damn sure that everything we did this year was in keeping with the superficial. We'll wait on line for anything, we'll vote for anything: provided it's not waiting on line to vote in a legitimate election!

  • Award for the Most Celebrated A-List Closet Case Couple: Will Smith and Tom Cruise. The boys were inseparable this year, constantly showing up at each other's side, singing the other's praises. Will even defended Scientology! I wish them many happy years together, and since it's apparent that Will has drunk the Kool-Aid, stay tuned for his inevitable melt-down (which started a few days ago when he made the Hitler remark).

  • Award for the Most Neely O'Hara Showbiz Moments: Amy Winehouse. This mega-talented woman wasted no time in getting wasted. Very sad, but with only two albums to her credit, the British soul singer (with one of the greatest voices heard in ages), appears to be throwing it all away as she drinks and drugs her way to oblivion (at best) or death (at worst).

  • Award for The Strangest Compliment I'd Ever Received in My Life: The Surgeon. Who commented on the size of my testicles during the pre-hernia-surgery exam I had this past winter.

  • Award for The Biggest Professional Downer in My Career: The Move to Officeland II. It's still a tough thing to be removed from people you like after twenty some years. A bummer anyway you slice it.

  • Award for The Worst Remake of A Horror Film This Year: Rob Zombie's so called "re-imagining" of Halloween. What was the damn point?

  • Award for The Most Creative Musical Experiment of The Year: Rufus Wainwright Does Judy at Carnegie Hall. After touring all summer doing the songs from Judy Garland's legendary Carnegie Hall concert, Wainwright released a CD of the concert and it is magnificent! I've been playing this damn thing since I got it for Xmas, and I can not rave enough over it. Well done, Rufus, well done.

  • Award for the Most Lovable Bitch on The Internet: Two words, Magnolia Thunderpussy. Typing away from her log cabin in Saskatoon, Mags continues to drop pearls of wisdom on this, and other select blogs. Long may she comment!

  • Award for The Show Must Go On Spirit: The Divine Ms Jimmi. Though a health scare sidelined the Queen of Philadelphia for a short period of time, The Divine One sallied forth and came out on the other side, unscathed (mostly) and continued to wow 'em at local venues as well as through his unquestionable talent as a writer!

  • Award for The Most Grace Under Fire: Rainbow Demon. My favorite hippie had a tough time this year, but he made it through and continued on his blogging quest to inform and enlighten us. Let's hope this year will be all diamonds and undiscovered Grateful Dead tapes for Mr. Demon!
to be continued...

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