Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Sen. Larry Craig's Speech for the Homosexual Impaired

As a public service to my non-gay readers, I'd like to decipher the statement that Idaho Senator, Larry Craig made concerning that unfortunate incident in a men's bathroom at an airport in Minnesota:

What He Said:

"First, please let me apologize to my family, friends, staff and fellow Idahoans for the cloud placed over Idaho. I did nothing wrong at the Minneapolis airport. I regret my decision to plead guilty and the sadness that decision has brought to my wife, family, friends, staff, and fellow Idahoans. For that I apologize."

What He Meant:

"I can't believe I was stupid enough to cruise that crummy bathroom ... I mean, come on, that place was crawling with trolls ... I should have waited until I got to the restroom at LAX, now that tea-room is filled with hotties! Everyone who knows me, knows I like my anonymous sex partners hard, hot and hung; not smelling of herring and looking like Garrison Keillor !

What He Said:

"In June, I overreacted and made a poor decision. While I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct at the Minneapolis airport or anywhere else, I chose to plead guilty to a lesser charge in the hope of making it go away."

What He Meant:

"That undercover officer who arrested me was cute, I thought he was just into some kind of role-playing scene, so I went with it. Christ, how was I to know that he really was a cop?!?!"

What He Said:

"Let me be clear: I am not gay and never have been."

What He Meant:

"I am gayer than a tree full of multicolored parrots on the well manicured lawn of a bed and breakfast on Fire Island."

What He Said:

" In pleading guilty, I overreacted in Minneapolis, because of the stress of the Idaho Statesman's investigation and the rumors it has fueled around Idaho. Again, that overreaction was a mistake, and I apologize for my misjudgment. Furthermore, I should not have kept this arrest to myself, and should have told my family and friends about it. I wasn't eager to share this failure, but I should have done so anyway."

What He Meant:

"Christ, this should not come as a suprise to anyone, look at my record, I am the picture of a self-loathing old queen, and this old queen got caught - are you bitches happy now?"

What He Said:

"I love my wife ..."

What He Meant:

"I have not slept with my wife in twenty years, she is my beard, and she is well compensated for her trouble."

What He Said:

"As an elected official, I fully realize that my life is open for public criticism and scrutiny, and I take full responsibility for the mistake in judgment I made in attempting to handle this matter myself."

What He Meant:

"I should have just rented a Jeff Stryker film and wacked off at the hotel."

What He Said:

"It is clear, though, that through my actions I have brought a cloud over Idaho. For that, I ask the people of Idaho for their forgiveness."

What He Meant:

"Stick a fork in my, still, firm ass. I'm done."

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