Monday, April 16, 2007

Happy (Belated) Birthday, Magnolia

A few little known facts about the birthday gal:

*No records have ever been found that prove the exact birth year of Magnolia Thunderpussy, though archaeologists have discovered certain passages penned on a cocktail napkin that date back to the Ming Dynasty that may hold some clues...

* Alleged portrait of Mama and Papa Thunderpussy on the right, shows that Magnolia may have indeed had some royal lineage; her father and mother were apparently trusted adviser's to then King of Transylvania, Vlad The Impaler.

* A precocious tot, Magnolia was said to have memorized the works of Shakespeare by the age of ten, thus forever cementing her title as the world's first, "Drama Queen".

* Thrown out of several boarding schools, Magnolia was finally said to have been raised by her favorite aunt, Lucretia, who trained the young lass in the finer things in life like an appreciation for opera, and how to make bath-tub gin.

* Records show that Magnolia was at the infamous performance of Our American Cousin with her date, John Wilkes Booth. She is said to have taken the stage after the shooting of President Lincoln and proclaimed, "The show must go on!" After being hit with a barrage of tomatoes, she exited the stage and then went into hiding for several decades.

* Defying logic and time, Magnolia reemerged in the roaring 20's as America's foremost flapper and good time gal.

* In 1934, going under the name of Anna Sage, Magnolia helped the Chicago Police trap and kill John Dillinger. To this day, she is still known to some as "The Lady in Red".

* Realizing that she had to lay low after her latest misadventure, Mags, married Wall Street Tycoon, Thurston Cambridge and inherited his millions when he tragically died three days after their honeymoon in Bora Bora.

* From 1935 through 1941 she had a string of husbands (there is no official count) that all met untimely deaths. It is rumored the J. Edgar Hoover himself was going to have her arrested and prosecuted by the FBI ; but then Magnolia turned the tables on the head G Man by threatening to go public with pictures she had of him dressed as Clara Bow.

* During World War 2, Magnolia helped Hollywood and the war effort with her vast resources by opening up several Hollywood Canteens and collecting silk stockings from the working gals on Sunset Blvd.

* In the 1950's Magnolia successfully sued and won a case against actress, Tallulah Bankhead for "aping my style". Magnolia used the money she won from the case by opening up a dozen finishing schools for girls through out Canada.

* Though she denies it, rumor has it that Magnolia had a tempestuous affair with every member of the Rat Pack. Frank Sinatra often dedicated, "That's Why The Lady is a Tramp" to her, whenever he played The Saskatoon Opera House.

* Mag spent most of the 70's at Studio 54 where she is said to have given Steve Rubell financial advice. After Rubell died, he left half of his fortune to her.

* In 1980, Magnolia retired to Canada, where to this day she lives the hectic life of a dowager aunt on amphetamines. Between her philanthropic ways and her love of relay races, the old gal just keeps on going!

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