Sunday, February 18, 2007

A SHOCKING REVELATION


Long time readers of this blog know that my life is an open book. I have always tried to be above board here, even if I sometimes change names and locations to protect the innocent, but chances are if you read something here, it really happened.

It is with that in mind that I make the following announcement.

I am the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby girl, Danilynne Hope.

Go ahead, let it sink in for a minute.

It's all true, and on Monday I give the DNA sample to the authorities to prove it...

Now you might be saying, Pax, how in the hell did this happen?

Well, I don't like to point fingers, but it's Rose's fault.

November, 15th 2005, a day I will never forget. I was sitting around the villa preparing early holiday gifts for the less fortunate when Rose rang me up. She was all breathless and excited screaming about how we just had to go to the Holiday Inn in Cherry Hill to see Anna Nicole Smith.

"Why do you want to see her?" I asked incredulously.

"OH MY GOD, PAX", she shrieked sounding borderline hysterical, "She's selling off some of her shoes, and her and I have the same petite foot size, I just have to have few pairs of that woman's pumps to wear when I go out dancing ... err, that is, read to the old folks at the senior center."

"Is it life or death?" I asked dryly.

"Both!" she squealed.

What could I do? Twenty minutes later I was in the parking lot of the hotel waiting on Miss Anonymous Rowhouse to arrive.

It was total bedlam; the press was everywhere, Trim Spa was handing out samples, drag queens were decked out in there best A.N.S. attire, straight guys were panting -- waiting for a view of the newly slimmed down model ... and then there was me. What was I doing here?

Just then I heard a familiar voice call out, "Pax!!!!"

Rosie came barreling through the crowd ... on her bike!!!

"Here", she said tossing her riding helmet at me as she finger combed her hair, "hold this, and oh yeah, stand in front of me so I can change my shirt..."

"WHAT!?! Are you crazy? You can't do a bare ass change here in Cherry Hill, they still have blue laws in this town. You'll end up in the hoosegow! How are we going to explain that to your family?" But before I could finish, she was sporting a "I heart Anna Nicole" t-shirt.

A few seconds later a hotel flunky came out to the parking lot and announced the ballroom was open and that the shoe and "personal effects" of Miss Smith were now available for the public to view.

I turned to say something to Rose, but she was gone already; a blur as she dashed to the ballroom.

After the mad-dash, I meandered on in to the hotel and saw that the ballroom was lousy with shoes and over sized pink underwear and various other A.N.S. memorabilia.

Disgusted, I found the hotel's bar and sat down and ordered a drink. A few minutes later, a man sat down next to me, I don't remember much about him, I think his name was Howard, I might be wrong. Anyway we began talking and talking ... and he kept buying me drinks and I was getting pretty looped. Finally he sprung this on me:

He looked me square in the eye and said, "Listen, I need a big favor from you, one that, if you oblige me, will pay very handsomely."

"I'm all ears", I said sucking down my tenth Harvey Walbanger.

"I need some of your sperm", he said seriously handing me a small plastic vial. "Go into the bathroom and jerk off into this container..."

I stood up and said, "OK, well I better be going, nice meeting you...."

"And I'll pay you twenty thousand bucks, cash, for your efforts."

I sat back down and said, "Come again".

Howard, or whatever his name was, said, "No, just once and the cash is yours."

Fearing that he'd change his mind, I grabbed the vial, and snatched a copy of Sports Illustrated with Mike Piazza on the cover from a table at the bar and dashed into the bathroom to make magic.

Ten minutes later, he had his Pax serum, and I had an envelope stuffed full of hundred dollar bills! All those years of practice, finally paid off! He thanked me and disappeared into an elevator.

I went outside to have a cigarette and as I was lighting up, Rose came out, weighted down with packages, "Where's your car, Pax?" she asked, "I need to lighten my load".

"Funny you should say that, I just did the same thing", I said smiling.

"What are you talking about?" she asked shooting me a quizzical look.

"Skip it, Lola", I replied as I helped her with the myriad of boxed footwear.

We had not gone two feet forward when we both stopped dead in our tracks and dropped the boxes we were carrying.

Standing in front of us, looking more beautiful than she ever did in any photograph was A.N.S. herself.

"Hey, do you two need some help?" she asked in a soft, slightly slurred Texas twang.

"No, no we don't, Ms Smith, but if it's not to much of a problem, could I get a photo with you?"

"Of course you could, sugar", she said sweetly.

I gave Rose my digital camera and pleaded with her, "Try not to crop me out of this one!"

So there I stood, arm in arm with A.N.S. having my photo taken ... it was the cherry on the top of a very surreal cake of a night.

After that, A.N.S. helped us load up my car and then she sauntered on back to the hotel. Rose and I remained speechless until I hosted her bike and strapped it to the hood of my car when I blurted out, "Fucking Anna Nicole helped us load the car!"

"I am so blogging about this!" Rose said.

"No one is going to believe it", I replied.

"We have a picture!"
***
I drove her back to Rowhouseland and on the ride, we decided that this event was too much for general knowledge so we made a vow to keep it to ourselves ... I never told her about the transaction that took place in the hotel bar...

... but now, with everything that's happened, the truth needs to be told...

... and this is it.

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