Still hooked on the Praise A Thon (it’s like watching a train-wreck, a big gaudy over produced one, but a train wreck nonetheless), and I heard a preacher, wearing a rather bad toupee, utter that phrase that has become somewhat popular with homophobes; The Gay Agenda (Pastor Bad Toupee was going off about the hom-A-sex-Shals and the Gay Agenda).
Again, I need to know; where’s my copy of this Agenda? Why didn’t the Gay Home Office in Battle Creek Michigan (and you thought it was San Francisco!) send me mine? I am current in my gay-dues, I live in a blue state … damn I want mine!
Taking matters into my own hands and as a public service to my straight readers, I have decided to create my own personal Gay Agenda. I hope this soothes everyone’s minds and puts to rest certain fears.
Pax Romano’s Gay Agenda.
Annex I
Pax Romano, being a gay man of sound mind and body (more or less) and having lived a gay life, my entire life, and having played by the rules dictated to me by a mostly straight society (more or less), here by proclaims this, his own personal Gay Agenda.
Affirming that this is purely personal, I proclaim the following principles.
Principle 1:
I will never play the “pronoun” game when talking about or discussing my life partner, Whatshisname. I will always indicate that his gender is male. I will not refer to him as “they”, “them” or , worse yet, “my friend”.
Principle 2:
If for some reason, Whatshisname can not live up to his duty as my life partner, Antonio Banderas will replace him (Melanie Griffith can go back to Don Johnson, I have the whole thing worked out)
Principle 3:
I will never sit by idly when someone denigrates my gay brothers or sisters. This includes (but is not limited to), physical and verbal bashing, religious propaganda, or pandering by political groups.
Principle 4:
I will not put up with Heterophobia in the guise of misogyny or just plain prejudice. We are all in this together.
Principle 5:
If for some reason Antonio Banderas can not fulfill his duties as my secondary life partner, George Clooney will fill the bill.
Principle 6:
To my straight brothers out there – lighten up fellows! I know you are straight, and I would never think of making a move on any of you (except for Misters Clooney and Banderas – all bets are off on those two). Actually, most gay men know the difference.
Principle 7:
That I live in New Jersey which just recently offered me and my partner the privilege to become life partners, something we did on July 20th of this year. I am grateful for this. However, I will not rest until I also have the same rights as everyone else in the country and have the right to marry my partner (and don’t come at me with that sanctity of marriage crap; to quote Tom Waits, “I have a friend who’s been married so many times, she’s got rice marks on her back”).
Principle 8:
From now on, EVERY Hollywood film that includes gratuitous female nudity must include gratuitous male nudity.
Principle 9:
Mike Piazza will no longer feel the need to hold press conferences to tell the world he is not gay.
Principle 10:
I now proclaim that Kevin Spacey can stop lying and come out of the closet … the same for Matthew Perry and Sean Hayes and Jodie Foster; think of it, when these folks come clean, it will make things much easier for that 16 year old kid in high school who is struggling with his or her sexuality.
Principle 11:
Racism, in any way shape or form will never be tolerated.
Principle 12:
Brad Pitt and Chris Isaak, while physically gorgeous are no where as adorable as Harvey Fierstein. I know this, and now you do also!
Principle 13:
I admit deep, deep lust for Pam Grier, Lauren Ambrose, Drea de Matteo, Angela Basset, Halle Berry and the woman who works at my dentist’s office answering the phones. Now everyone else should admit these things when they happen to them; it's only human.
Principle 14:
Do not stereotype me; do not stereotype any one who is gay. I can not dance, I have no sense of fashion and I can change the fluids in my car.
Principle 15:
Don’t dog me because I love show tunes, think drag-queens are a hoot (as well as brave), enjoy campy humor and can quote lines from “Valley of the Dolls”.
Principle 16:
I will never be ashamed of whom I am, or who I love, and I will fight until the day I die for all of us to feel the same.
Principle 17:
And finally, if George Clooney can not fulfill his duties as my third choice of life partner, Hank Azaria will do in a pinch.
Annex I
Pax Romano, being a gay man of sound mind and body (more or less) and having lived a gay life, my entire life, and having played by the rules dictated to me by a mostly straight society (more or less), here by proclaims this, his own personal Gay Agenda.
Affirming that this is purely personal, I proclaim the following principles.
Principle 1:
I will never play the “pronoun” game when talking about or discussing my life partner, Whatshisname. I will always indicate that his gender is male. I will not refer to him as “they”, “them” or , worse yet, “my friend”.
Principle 2:
If for some reason, Whatshisname can not live up to his duty as my life partner, Antonio Banderas will replace him (Melanie Griffith can go back to Don Johnson, I have the whole thing worked out)
Principle 3:
I will never sit by idly when someone denigrates my gay brothers or sisters. This includes (but is not limited to), physical and verbal bashing, religious propaganda, or pandering by political groups.
Principle 4:
I will not put up with Heterophobia in the guise of misogyny or just plain prejudice. We are all in this together.
Principle 5:
If for some reason Antonio Banderas can not fulfill his duties as my secondary life partner, George Clooney will fill the bill.
Principle 6:
To my straight brothers out there – lighten up fellows! I know you are straight, and I would never think of making a move on any of you (except for Misters Clooney and Banderas – all bets are off on those two). Actually, most gay men know the difference.
Principle 7:
That I live in New Jersey which just recently offered me and my partner the privilege to become life partners, something we did on July 20th of this year. I am grateful for this. However, I will not rest until I also have the same rights as everyone else in the country and have the right to marry my partner (and don’t come at me with that sanctity of marriage crap; to quote Tom Waits, “I have a friend who’s been married so many times, she’s got rice marks on her back”).
Principle 8:
From now on, EVERY Hollywood film that includes gratuitous female nudity must include gratuitous male nudity.
Principle 9:
Mike Piazza will no longer feel the need to hold press conferences to tell the world he is not gay.
Principle 10:
I now proclaim that Kevin Spacey can stop lying and come out of the closet … the same for Matthew Perry and Sean Hayes and Jodie Foster; think of it, when these folks come clean, it will make things much easier for that 16 year old kid in high school who is struggling with his or her sexuality.
Principle 11:
Racism, in any way shape or form will never be tolerated.
Principle 12:
Brad Pitt and Chris Isaak, while physically gorgeous are no where as adorable as Harvey Fierstein. I know this, and now you do also!
Principle 13:
I admit deep, deep lust for Pam Grier, Lauren Ambrose, Drea de Matteo, Angela Basset, Halle Berry and the woman who works at my dentist’s office answering the phones. Now everyone else should admit these things when they happen to them; it's only human.
Principle 14:
Do not stereotype me; do not stereotype any one who is gay. I can not dance, I have no sense of fashion and I can change the fluids in my car.
Principle 15:
Don’t dog me because I love show tunes, think drag-queens are a hoot (as well as brave), enjoy campy humor and can quote lines from “Valley of the Dolls”.
Principle 16:
I will never be ashamed of whom I am, or who I love, and I will fight until the day I die for all of us to feel the same.
Principle 17:
And finally, if George Clooney can not fulfill his duties as my third choice of life partner, Hank Azaria will do in a pinch.
5 comments:
July 20 is also my anniversary. Wow!
jr
ps: George Clooney ...dreamy ...
My "Gay Agenda" is to personally gun down anyone wearing white after Labour Day.
I applaud your agenda! ...although I may fight you over Antonio Banderas. Heres to hoping Whatshisname works out!
...and what in all blurdy hells is a "Praise A Thon"?? O_o Or do I really not want to know...?
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